seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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