All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
