Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize