I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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