He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i love accidental penises.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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