I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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