What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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