Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
