You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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