Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize