mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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