My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
