but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
