I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
