are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
