:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
