Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize