What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
