I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
