my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she looked like the before picture.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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