Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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