I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
