DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
