This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
