Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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