i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
