it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
