Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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