felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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