After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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