I looked at my own cervix.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
