I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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