He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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