Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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