I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
