Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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