I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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