new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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