Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
