I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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