I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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