i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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