omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
