By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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