Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
