We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
