I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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