You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
