I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
