life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We are all done wearing pants today
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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