Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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