Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
