Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
