i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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