Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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