I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
