oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize