Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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