I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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