I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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