Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
