guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
