i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
