apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
