Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
