I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
